One Can Find More Eroticism On The Discovery Channel
I recently had the dubious honor of viewing “A Night in Paris”, the infamous Paris Hilton sex tape that appeared back in 2003. Like most people, I was under the assumption that this tape had some level of erotic quality to it. Unfortunately, I was mistaken. I am here today to dispel that notion, as this tape can best be summarized in exactly two words:
Sexually Fallacious
This tape is by far one of the dumbest things I’d ever seen. How this dark, grainy piece of film ever attained such a level of pop culture prominence I’ll never know. First off, the male in the video, a Mr. Richard Salomon, is a dirty frat boy through and through. He’s chewing gum for most of the video, all the while saying some of the most idiotic things ever captured on video. A choice quote of Mr. Salomon’s from the movie is assuredly the point at which he asks Paris to assume a certain position. In one of the most romantic lines uttered on film since Humphre Bogart’s “Here’s lookin’ at you, kid”, Mr. Salomon says to Paris, “I want you to get on top of me. Face that way. So I can see how pretty you are.”
There is also, of course, the blaring fact that a television is on in the background. At one point, you can clearly hear the following lines of dialogue from the TV, in what MUST be a blacksploitation film of some sort:
TV (in background): Yo honey’s shot! Proud African black man motherFU*Ker!
Paris: Ohhh. Mmm. [Slurp]
TV: Shit! [Laughter]
Paris: Mmmm-mmm …
TV: Call me Steve!
Paris: [Quick slurp]
TV: Call me Todd! What’s in a mothafu*kin’ name? ‘Cause blame will make you forget shit. That’s alright Caucasians, yo time is coming. [Laughter]
Paris: Mmm-mmm.
TV: Look around. We ain’t gonna use no whips. We just gonna knock y’all the FU*K out! Bowwww! [Uproarious laughter]
Funny? Yes. Erotic? Not so much.
While all of this appears to make for a very entertaining piece of cinema, it is actually not those aspects of the film mentioned above that make this video so humorous. The best part, by far, is how utterly detached Miss Hilton appears to be while engaging in the act of intercourse. It is as if she might as well be reading a book or watching a re-run of CSI. She hardly makes a noise throughout much of the video, except at one point to answer her cell phone. (Yes…she answers her cell phone in the middle of sex) And to top it all off, near the end of the video she engages in one of the most artistically bankrupt displays of oral sex the world has ever seen. Awful, folks. Simply awful.
The whole video comes together to form a solid piece of evidence which proves beyond a single doubt that sex with famous people is completely and utterly lacklustre. Therefore, I would recommend that you try to avoid it at all costs.
One would probably derive more joy from a really good pastrami sandwich on rye.
-Mark Annotto
www.armedandridiculous.com
May 26th, 2006 at 11:15 am
I wonder, then, if the tape wasn’t a scheme concocted by Hilton and Salomon to ensure their future celebrities…? It worked perfectly for Hilton - what other fame-winning accomplishments does she have other than making the phrase “That’s hot” into her mantra - but Salomon seems doomed for C-list or even D-list status. Of course, being married to Shannon Doherty didn’t help….especially when she allegedly physically abused him.